May 27, 2005

Oh yeah....

what sex position are you?
Full Name
Age
your sex is ? kinky
you like sex.... kinky and rough
your position is.... doggie syle
This fun quiz by smurfs_oh_yeah - Taken 96473 Times.
New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!
Posted by Tiffani at 10:37 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

May 24, 2005

Soft Kisses & Hungry Hearts

No longer available to read.

Posted by Tiffani at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

May 20, 2005

It's your turn

Ok It's Helens and Jess' turn.

1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me". The first five commenters will be the participants.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

Helen:

1. Who was your very first kiss? Details Please?

2. What is your single most embarrassing moment?

3. If I were to choose a character from a t.v. show that is most like me I'd choose Karen from Will and Grace. Who would you choose?

4. One of my most favorite entries of yours (recently) was your list of demands. Very funny. What I want to know is what inspires you to write like that? Is it easier to write the funny entries or the more serious?

5. Rob P is guest bloggin on My dads site - He wanted to know who would be our three people we would have a "free pass" with. Who are yours and if you would.....what woman would you "Turn" gay for?

Jess
(Thanks for the interest - I just started to read your blog and must say...nicely done)

1. I believe that underwear says alot about a person (I know that's weird - Humor me).... What kind of underwear do you wear?

2. What is your biggest pet peeve?

3. What or who makes you want to get up in the morning?

4. (same question as Helen's) If I were to choose a character from a t.v. show that is most like me I'd choose Karen from Will and Grace. Who would you choose?

5. I'm a reader. I read anything I can get my hands on. Books, Mags, Cereal boxes, Junk mail you name it. My favorite book of all time was Tuesdays with Morrie. What if anything is your favorite thing to read?


Ok guys so there you have it. I know it took an extremely long time to do this. I apologies. As I was telling Victor Between my lack of skill in writing, my job and nothing to write about - I'm struggling.

Posted by Tiffani at 09:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (2)

May 19, 2005

What if?

What exactly makes a relationship go sour? Is it the lack of passion? No heartfelt connection? Kids? Being unfaithful? Or can it simply be growing apart instead of living as one?

When you choose that special someone to spend the rest of your life with, how do you know itís going to last forever? How do you know your going to feel that WAY 10 , 20 or even 50 years from now?

Is there such a thing as a soul mate? If you do choose that person, how do you know that there isnít someone else out there that is better for you? Should anyone just settle for what they can get?

When your young and choose that person for life - How do you know that heís the one, especially when you havenít even dipped your toes in the lake to test the waters?

What if one person wants out and the other likes things just the way it is. Itís comfortable for one and suffocating for another? What if there are kids involved?

Would you sacrifice your kidís happiness for your own?

Do people change? Do they grow apart? Or is it boredom?

Is it really ok to want to stay at work and not go home? Is it ok to not really have anything in common with your spouse? Is it really true that opposites attract? If so, then what do you have to talk about?

What if you sex life dies? Then what? What happens when your loved one chooses a TV. program over you. Do you get yourself a vibrator, call it Bob and sacrifice the passion in your heart?

What if youíve tried every thing you can think of to make great things happen and it fails miserably. What happens when life gets so mundane and so blah you speak to your spouse only when youíre passing in the hallway?

Gone are the compliments. The butterflies have left your belly years ago. No more playing footsie in bed. Gone are the lingering looks of amazement.

Replaced by bickering. Nausea, Cover hogging or kicking each other for more room. Looks of disgust or bewilderment is on your face instead.

Do people really break up over being lonely? Do they get divorced because their bored?


What if everyday you woke up Ė you wished just for a little while you were alone?

Posted by Tiffani at 10:57 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

March 15, 2005

My Turn At The Interview Game

Da rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me". The first five commenters will be the participants.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

Jim asks me:

1) Who's your daddy?
You are of course Big Guy!

2) What cartoon would you go live in for a week? - Sponge Bob Square pants. Because thre's nothing llike a good sponge.

3) If you could create a new tradition, what would it be and why?
It's funny you should ask this because there is a guy here at work that makes it a habit or tradition to shake everyoneís hand here at work helloe and goodbye. At first we gave him a hard time. But the more I thought about it and got used to the idea. I embraced it. I think that it's a very nice tradition. To reach out and shake those peoples hand that are involved in your life. I don't think that there is enough of that camaraderie.


4) What do you do with your spare change? Give it to strippers....No, really my spare change is always always on the bottom of my purse which weighs about 5lbs more than it should. And on the days that I do clean it out I give my kids the change. They love me on those days.

5) What sense has the greatest sensual effect on you? We want details here. If you mean smell, sight, taste or touch? Then it would totally have to be touch. Easy. And not just sex. I'm talking a mans soft breath on the back of my neck with a slight kiss. Fingers slightly touching my inner thigh. A tickle on the bottom of my foot. A tongue sliding down my chest to my navel....what? was that too much info. Oh sorry.

Posted by Tiffani at 02:35 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (2)

March 11, 2005

Rob wants to know what five things in your office you must have in order to function.
Take a look at your desk or workspace. If youíre anything like me then itís a carefully crafted piece of chaos theory in action.
Everything on there is useful or has purpose but of all the clutter (apologies if youíre one of these uber tidy people for whom a desk is a sacred, set square perfect place) which 5 things canít you live without?
1. My computer of course or how would I ready your sites. ComputersÖthey're not just for work.
2. My calculator because if anyone wanders in my office I quickly hit alt - tab my accounting pops up and start punching the buttons on my calculator. Like I've been working all along.
3. My space heater because the guy next my office is grossly overweight, sweats like a stuffed pig and keeps the temp down to a bare minimum. So I crank up my heater. Which he always says when he walk in my office that itís as hot as balls in here. I personally wouldnít know how hot that is.
4. Since my skin is constantly exposed to the cold and heat I need my lotion sitting right by my computer. NoÖthis isnít from the weather. Itís from the distinct temperature change from going into one office and then to the next.
5. My accounting folder for when I actually have to work (which means you people are not blogging enough).

Posted by Tiffani at 01:05 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

Deseperate Times

When I was around the age of 10 or 11 my mother moved the family to New Mexico where her full blooded brother lived.

Growing up my mom never really knew her brother because he lived with their father who was divorced from their mother. (nothing is easy in my family - not even having full blooded siblings)

Anyway, they had been talking a lot around that time and he had offered us a place to live so they could get to know each other once again. (One thing you must understand is...I really think my mother had nomadic blood pulsating in her body. This women does not know the definition of permanence. Up and moving us half way across the country was nothing to her. It didn't bother her that I left my only friend. That we would missed school or that we had any say on where we lived. She had made up her mind that we were going at that was it.)

With the station wagon loaded and everything we owned and our cat in backseat we were ready to leave our life old life and begin a new. Traveling was both fun and exhausting but it took a long time to get there.

Once we did arrive it was like a whole other world. Dirt, tumble weeds, sage, horny toads and trailers. It seemed as though every one had trailers. Which were really only five household all spread out miles away from each other. The only house that wasnít a trailer was a house made of tires. This house would later become infamous and would be shown on the Discovery channel. (another story)

All I kept thinking was this was where were going to live... in a trailer? It was so small - I seriously don't know how we survived. We left a six bedroom, two bathroom house in a middle class neighborhood to live in a trailer. We were poor dirt poor (no pun intended).

I met a gal the same age as I was, she lived just down the dirt road. She had two dirt bikes and we would spend hours on end riding them. We would take those things up and down small mountains and in some really wild canyons. That was my only salvation.

We did have a garden, though. My mom took the time to teach me how to grow things in it. Rhubarb, celery, carrots and cabbage. Itís the oddest things that I remember. Our t.v. only had one or two channels that we could actually see without wavy lines. So every waking moment was pretty much spent outside entertaining ourselves. I recall my mom drawing pictures of cartoon characters for the vegetable in the garden. You know, to tells what type of vegetable it was. For Carrots she drew Bugs Bunny. For the Rhubarb she drew a Barbie. Get it? Those are the only two characters I remember. She knew we were all so miserable and she tried so hard to keep us entertained. But it didn't stop there. With our trailer we had some property which included a bunch of horse stalls, chicken coops and a compost. As I said before we were broke...so the only pets we could afford were a couple of chicks and a duck for each one of us kids. My little duckie was name Angela for the best friend I left behind. Anyway, to keep us entertained and to stop my mother from going mad she drew on the horse stalls pictures of fake horses. She made signs for each one along with a fake general store, Actually she made a fake town. She made it fun, well, as much as she could. To someone else it was pathetic but to us it was an escape from the disappointment that New Mexico had became.

In that same time frame - I saw my first snow on a mountain very far away. Princess Diana and Prince Charles were married. Someone attempted to molested me and I learned to shoot a gun. I had my 11th birthday there and I experienced death for the first time.

One afternoon the skies had opened up and it rained for what seemed to be forever. When I went to check on the birds, I had noticed that their coop had not been closed and Angela my duck was floating in her little pool. I gathered her up dried her off and kept her warm. But it was too late, she was week from the storm. I remember the very moment she died. She took one final breath, shook a little as if you could feel God take her from my arms and she was gone.

We didn't stay very long in New Mexico. We left after six months. I learned and experienced a lot there. Even though it was hot, dry and miserable - I wouldnít trade those memories for anything.

Posted by Tiffani at 12:42 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

March 02, 2005

What do you think????

My hsubands birthday is coming up and I'm having a hard time getting him something. I know I could get him the stuff guys typically like.

Beer, Boobs, Cars and Sports - Settle down boys I can smell the testosterone ebbing out of your pores.

Being the cool chick I think I am. I've gotten him most of that stuff already. I mean when he was drooling over the 69 Cutlass Download file
for sale. I talked him into buying it. I buy him beer everytime I go to the store (daily). I don't care if he goes to the titty bars. Really. In fact I went with him once. Sports is his passion. He lives, breaths and would eat it if he could - Cleveland sports. He's a die hard. My whole basement is filled with Cleveland stuff. Which is ok because it's done tastefully. Wait did I just say that. Was that an oxymoron? I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what would be the perfect gift. That's when I saw this. I know it's kindof weird. I just hope he likes it. What do you think? Did I get ripped off?

Posted by Tiffani at 11:23 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

February 24, 2005

Do You Remember?

6th grade. Do you remember it? Does that grade haunt you as much as it does me? Dear God what an awful awful stage in life. Stuck between wanting to play with the Barbieís sitting in the corner of your room just waiting for you to show them attention. And stuck wanting to be the grown up youíve been dreaming of being.

I remember the growing pains that ached in my bones at night. I recall my teeth still missing from when my baby teeth left my mouth. Trying to figure what to do with my scraggly hair. The overwhelming feeling of being awkward every moment of everyday. My long lanky legs that couldn't catch up with the rest of my body fast enough. Wanting so badly to shave them because they were so hairy, but being too young to do it. The self conscience feeling you have in every move you make. At that age your emotions are the only thing that controls you.

I look at my daughter and I notice things about her I never really noticed before. Her beautiful olive face thinning out and starting to take a womanly shape to it. She has those same lanky limbs that tease every 11 year old. Her hazel eyes are growing wiser as she gets older; theyíre not as innocent as my 7 year olds eyes are. Sheís seen things, heard things, done things that age does. Sheís getting older.

Iíve noticed that she wants to spend more time with me. When I get ready to go someplace she sits on the counter and watches me carefully apply my make up. She asks questions about moisturizer. Moisturizer ! She wants to know about eyeliner, lipstick, and mascara.

We have the same taste in music. There is nothing more fulfilling than sitting on the couch on a Sunday morning and watch VH1ís Top 20 Countdown and be happy when OUR favorite song is number one. We have a common ground. Even though it may not be often. We do have one.

I know itís hard for her. She has added responsibilities now being in Jr. High. She feels the need to be popular and she thinks sheís not. Being accepted is the single most important thing in a preteens life.

She is a lunatic when it comes to her hormones. She cries often. Almost on a daily basis. To me I know that itís just that hormones. But to her itís the end of the world.

My baby is making her confirmation this weekend and I am so very proud of her. Iím proud that she is kind, loving, gentle and sweet. But most of all Iím proud of how gracefully she is growing up. 6th grade is tough but sheís doing well. Better than I ever did. Eleven years old. What a tough age.

So to you my little one. You're doing a fine job. Hang in there, sweetie.

And if you have a child this age - you know what I mean. Give them a hug because they need it.

P.S. Lush Bath bombs are the bomb!

Posted by Tiffani at 11:10 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 23, 2005

I'm the bomb

All this talk about Lush bath bombs from Helen had me wondering if they were as good as she talks about. They can't be that good can they? I went on the internet the other day and ordered this, this , this and finally this. I was so excited when I drove up my drive way to see a box sitting in front my front porch. A lovely box with Lush stickers all over it. I felt like a kid at Christmas. They smell unbelievable.

I have my whole night planned out. After I put the kids to bed I'm going to pour myself a nice glass of red wine. Strip down and sit in a hot fizzy bath. Just to see what all the hype is about. The only question is which one am I going to use first?

Posted by Tiffani at 02:56 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

February 22, 2005

This is for my blog daddy - who challenged us to make our own bumper stickers for points. Did I win?

iLVsbd.jpg

Posted by Tiffani at 03:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (1)

February 11, 2005

Ming Sing Dingaling

That's what we used to call my cat.

My main man is having a contest on the best drag queen name. You know, it's the fun game of putting your first pets name with the street you lived on together and it's supposed to give you your drag queen name. So go over here and vote for me.....Ming.

What are you waiting for? I said go! Now!

Posted by Tiffani at 11:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 03, 2005

Give it your best shot.

Saw this a Jims who saw it at De's place.

A. First, recommend to me:

1. A movie:
2. A book:
3. A musical artist, song, or album:

B. I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

C. Then, I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!

Posted by Tiffani at 12:20 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

January 31, 2005

I'm Cool

I'm not nerdy at all....


Your Score Summary

Overall, you scored as follows:

99% scored higher (more nerdy), and
1% scored lower (less nerdy).

What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:

Definitely not nerdy, you are probably cool.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For your nerdy work, here is the promised image:


Posted by Tiffani at 12:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Smells like fish.

I went to New Orleans a couple of weekends ago. I have to sayÖeveryone must go at least once in their lives. An absolute blast. Of course itís much more fun when the whole trip is paid for and your staying at the Ritz like I did. The food was fabulous and I was in awe by the entertainment.

We were at a bar (Can you imagine?) one afternoon and this guy came up to us and did a portrait of me on the spot. It only took him 30 minutes. HellÖ I didnít mind because I was watching some skinny kid play a washboard with spoons. Pure entertainment. When this little old man finished my picture it actually put chills down my spine. It was dead on. I knew I was looking in the eyes of a man that was filled to the brim with talent but, the world will never know his work. Itís a shame., really.

I wonít bore you with all the details of the whole weekend. But, I will tell you a quick story from the last night I was there.

We got drunk.

We went to a strip bar.

Small boobies.

Some nipple sucking went on. Not by me ..jeesh

Fun rating the girls. Performance, Style & Appearance.

More small boobs.

Oh..wait big boobs walks on stage

I tip her (got appreciate them)

She sits me downÖput dollar between my legs.

What the fÖ.

Does hand/head stand.

Grabs dollar with her mouth.

What theÖ.

Spreads her legs. I shit you not.

Face to crotch
My head .. rolling around on the floor because it snapped off from yanking it so far back.

I didnít want to smell anything.

Posted by Tiffani at 11:49 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

January 28, 2005

Nips

Tell me....do you guys really think that when girls get excited that their nipples get hard?

I had an interesting conversation at a Networking meeting yesterday.


Salesguy: It's easy for you girls you just think about it and they get hard

Me: No they don't

Salesguy: Yeah huh

Me: It's strickly a temperature thing

Salesguy: Don't they get hard when you see someone you like?

Me: Do you get a boner?

Me: Don't answer that

Salesguy: No seriously - tell me the truth they get hard right?

Me: Dude, the only way my nipples are going to get hard is if you tweek them or you shove me in a freezer.

Salesguy: Do you know you just ruined my life?

Posted by Tiffani at 12:54 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (2)

November 11, 2004

Everyone has a story

Helen got me thinking today. She had mentioned that she's a people watcher. I am sooo a people watcher. When it was my senior year in high school my best friend and I would ditch school alot. Our favorite place was Mission Beach but on the days it was too cold to go there, we would go to the airport and people watch. It enthralled me.

I remember we used to go the local 7-11 store buy clove cigarettes and jam to Wham! or Duran Duran and drive to the airport. To me it was a guilty pleasure sort of fun. People you normally wouldnít look twice at are the objects of my fascination. Everyone had a story. Sad stories, happy hello stories, heartbreaking good bye stories.

Since we had a Naval & Marine Base by us there were a lot of soldiers leaving for duty, going who knows where. I remember seeing couples hugging each other so tight it brought tears to my eyes. Kids running up and down the isles of chairs with excitement in their eyes dreaming of the vacation theyíre about to venture on. And I was wishing it was me. I remember seeing a mother and father saying goodbye to their daughter going off to collegeĖ I assume.

Thatís the thing about airports. You can almost guess who they were, why they were and where theyíre going. It was like a game to me.

Airports have always been a sort of downer for me. No matter how happy you are when you arrive, you have to leave. It seems a soon as I say hello Ė Iím saying good bye even faster. There are always lots of tears shed for me. I wonder if anyone has figured out what my story is. Do they know I only see my family once a year? Do they know that when I said good bye to my dad it would be the last time I would see him? Will they know how excited I am when I arrive? That my heart beats so fast with nervousness, anticipation and exhilaration?

Do you know my story?

Posted by Tiffani at 03:09 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

October 26, 2004

Party of Five

No word from my mother. I am officially written off. So sad really. This is the first time weíve had a fight in 17 years. I find that astonishing Öconsidering.

Although, Iím comforted by the thought that I didnít do anything wrong and Iíll chalk it up to the lack of lithium.

That fight has had me thinking a lot lately of my family. My brothers and sisters and of course my mother and step father. What we have endured in our childhood. It had me thinking of how we function today. In our separate lives. Miles and Miles away from each other. It wasnít all heartache and pain. Mostly it was the feeling of insecurity and the feeling of being lost in ones self. How do you become a healthy person of body and mind when you donít have a healthy role model to look up to? To guide you.

As I look into each of my siblingís life Ė I can see the different roads that were chosen for us. I donít look at it as roads that we chose. They were chosen for us. In our mind we had to get out fast. As soon as we could.

My sister Sheri is the oldest of the five. Ten years my senior and pretty much was my care taker for as long as I could remember. She was the one who took the brunt of it all. The first child. Iíve heard stories of her childhood and can understand why she is the way she is today. She has turned into my mother. She was molded from the same shape as my mom. She left home at the age of seventeen to join the Army. Today Sheri lives in a motel somewhere in California from what Iíve heard. I havenít seen her or her 5 small children in about 5 years. No one knows where she is.

My brother Jesse is the second oldest and is Sheriís full blooded brother. Their father died when they were very young from suicide. Iím amazed with Jesse every time I talk to him. He is smart, funny and leads a normal every day kind of life. In spite of the very difficult relationship he had with my step father. They were constantly fist fighting. The torment Paul put the kid through. When Jay (thatís what we call him) left at seventeen he left for good. He lives in Oregon and has four children and wife that loves him very much.

My other brother James (Coco) is by far my least favorite person in the world. He is 6 years older than me. His father beat my mother on a daily basis when Coco was a baby. She left him soon after Coco turned two. Iím convinced Coco has mental problems as well. Some of the things he does just isnít right. Too many to name. Heís just slow I guess. When my mother was at the bottom of the barrel ill and I was home visiting her for Christmas. He called my mother the C word on Christmas day because he was pissed she failed to tell him I was home. Just little things like that Ė they donít sit right with me. Heís twice divorced and has a son he isnít allowed to see because of alleged sexual abuse. He also left home when he was seventeen. Iím not exactly sure why he left so soon. I really didnít care. I was happy he was out.

Is there a pattern here?

As Iíve said before I was born, I think, as my motherís protector. No matter what she had or hadnít done to or for me. I was her protector. As young as I can remember I was the one who was in the middle of my mother and step fathers fights. Screaming for them to stop because I was so worried that my mother would have a breakdown. Eventually, she would. For my own selfish reason I prayed this fight wouldnít be the one to knock her over the edge. I didnít want her to go to an institution because I didnít want to be stuck in the same house with ďhimĒ. Alone with my little sister. The mental abuse that man would instill on us is unspeakable. When my mom would finally come home things went back to normal. It came in waves. The good times. But, you couldnít enjoy them for long because you knew that something bad was going to happened just around the corner. My mom became so paranoid and so untrusting that sometimes her controlling behavior was so out of whack. By the time I was seventeen I left.

My sister TonyaÖthe baby. I feel for her. She is Paulís only child. Although, she was babied the most and I hated her for it. I felt sorry for her too. She had his blood in her. She hated him as much as I did. Sometimes I can see the manic coming out of her. The depression sometimes takes a hold of her young but weary bones. But, she snaps out of it fast. She has no time to be depressed. She is the wife a Naval Officer and the mother of two girls. One of which is Autistic. She is the bravest person I know and nerves of steel. She has endured the most with my family. For she stayed the longest. She stayed well into her twenties.

You see. Sheri left because she saw that she was becoming my mother. She endure the most abuse, mentally. She left only to find a husband that abused her. In a sick way thatís all she knows.

Jesse left because it was do or die with him. Be killed or to kill. Maybe not literally but definitely mentally.

Coco left because he was starving for love- I believe he found his first and only love and went for it.

I left because I was suffocated by fear. Both my mothers and mine.

Why Tonya didnít leave is beyond my comprehension.

Posted by Tiffani at 11:17 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

October 14, 2004

Meet my mom - she's been sick

The letter below is a result of a fight my mother and I had a week ago today. I called her to give her my flight numbers for when my family and I will be traveling home for Thanksgiving.

To give you a run down. While I was talking to her I called my step father Paul (his name) instead of dad. My mom got very mad. She thinks because she has forgiven him for all of his wrong doings (30 years worth) that we should as well. Because of the fact that she has taken him back numerous times Ė franklyÖ she is embarrassed. So, she blames everyone else. She blames her sisters Connie and Jeri and even my grandfather of not treating him well. So, in return she has distanced herself from her family members. And in her mind I'm to do so as well. I am extremely close to those people. And in fact we are all going to Disneyland for two days with them. When she found that out her mind was made up. I was one of them. To add insult to injury~I found out my real father will be spending time in San Diego as well and we are planning on seeing each other for at least for a day.

The whole conversation turned into a jealous rage. I was left baffled, hurt, annoyed and very, very angry at this woman. I am so sick of all the crap she has dealt me as I sat idly by. I was her punching bag for so long. After she hung up on me, twice. My wall became my punching bag. To ease the hurt I wrote this letter.


Three things to make very clear ~

1. My mother is a very mentally ill person.
2. I have never been so hurt in my entire life as much as I had been on Thursday.
3. I will never ever call Paul (the cheater aka stepfather) dad. Ever.

Mother~

I don't know what's going with you. What were you doing before I called? What were thinking? How were you feeling? Where you upset about something? Is life so unbearable for you? I don't get it. All of my life I've been your protector. Forever I've been the one person who you could talk to. I've been there to hold you when Paul left you. I held your hand when he cheated. Spent late nights talking to you. I've always worried about you. I cared for you when you were sick. I smoothed your hair when you were tired. What goes on in your mind? What makes you turn so ice cold? Is your heart so engorged with Hatred?? Jealousy? Resentment? that you will do what ever it takes to get back at the ghosts that haunts you? Will you sacrifice what ever relationships you have at that time for the sake of your own selfishness. I did no wrong mother. Do you understand? I did nothing wrong.

For years I kept quiet. I never said anything to hurt you. All this time I never brought up the past. I never wanted to. I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I was the one that would yell and scream at the person who disrespected you. I gave you all I could and more. But it's time now mom to tell you - no matter how sick you are...how much your ailing, that you can't treat people like disposable trash. There are other people that have feelings and thoughts. That have a heart that can break. Do you know how much ache a person feels when a mother treats them like they don't matter? That youíre the only person you love. How do you think that feels? Did grandma ever do it too you? Did it hurt you? Then why would you do the same to the people your supposed to love the most. Love more than yourself. More than your husband. More than anything in this world. Being a mother has taught me that I would sacrifice everything I have on this earth so that my children are happy and healthy.

If the worst thing I've ever done to you is call Paul Paul than so be it. I can live with that. How you can sit there and stand up for that man is beyond me. What he's done to you is incomprehensible. He's lucky I even speak to him. Yeah he raised me. I respect him for that. I really do. That is the reason and only reason he is graced with my presence. Do you or he even realize how fucked this family is? How do you think it got that way? Our young impressionable minds grew up with dysfunction. You say why does everyone bring up the past. I can honestly say I never have until today. But, unlike you who likes to see the world with their eyes closed we can not. We live it everyday. Do you know that I think about when you locked yourself in your room for days at a time and when you tried to kill yourself it haunts me on a daily basis. Do you realize that your lucky you have children that can get out of bed and function in a normal world. I know you were sick mom. That's the problem your always sick - but instead of owning up to it, you deny that it ever happened.

It took me 34 long hard years to establish a relationship with my dad. Not you. Not Paul. Not Leigh. No one will ever take that away from me. He has earn my respect. He has earn the fact I call my dad Dad. How you can bring that part of my life down to your level of misery? I'm proud I have Brian as my father. He messed up yes. Just like you. Just like Paul. But, I forgave him. And many many times I forgave Paul. So you think I should call Paul dad because he raised me. I don't thinks so.

I'll miss you for Thanksgiving. It's too bad that I won't see you. The kids were really looking forward to it. But I will not feel guilty for having a relationship with Connie, Jeri, Grandpa and the kids. I love them and they love me. If you have issues with them it's not my fault. It's yours. It's your own feeling of worthiness or lack there of. Contrary to what you believe no one is out to get you. That's not how the world works. Your the black sheep because you...no one else makes you feel that way.

Tiff

I never sent this letter. I can't bring myself to do it. The protector in me - tells me it's wrong. I worry this may driver her over the edge. I worry that suicide thought still linger in her brain. I worry over her so much. Even at her worst I worry. I don't think I will send this. But, it made me feel good to write it.

~T

Posted by Tiffani at 10:10 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

October 13, 2004

I am here people I have not died! I have alot to write about. Just no time.

Topics that will come:

My mother is insane and has disowned me.

I'm leaving for Cali in approx 37 days.

Hiring or firing? Whatever shall I do?

My father and I will be reunited for the first time in 8 years.

Sex and lack there of.

So, people it's not the material it's just time.

Posted by Tiffani at 09:24 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)