October 26, 2004

Party of Five

No word from my mother. I am officially written off. So sad really. This is the first time weíve had a fight in 17 years. I find that astonishing Öconsidering.

Although, Iím comforted by the thought that I didnít do anything wrong and Iíll chalk it up to the lack of lithium.

That fight has had me thinking a lot lately of my family. My brothers and sisters and of course my mother and step father. What we have endured in our childhood. It had me thinking of how we function today. In our separate lives. Miles and Miles away from each other. It wasnít all heartache and pain. Mostly it was the feeling of insecurity and the feeling of being lost in ones self. How do you become a healthy person of body and mind when you donít have a healthy role model to look up to? To guide you.

As I look into each of my siblingís life Ė I can see the different roads that were chosen for us. I donít look at it as roads that we chose. They were chosen for us. In our mind we had to get out fast. As soon as we could.

My sister Sheri is the oldest of the five. Ten years my senior and pretty much was my care taker for as long as I could remember. She was the one who took the brunt of it all. The first child. Iíve heard stories of her childhood and can understand why she is the way she is today. She has turned into my mother. She was molded from the same shape as my mom. She left home at the age of seventeen to join the Army. Today Sheri lives in a motel somewhere in California from what Iíve heard. I havenít seen her or her 5 small children in about 5 years. No one knows where she is.

My brother Jesse is the second oldest and is Sheriís full blooded brother. Their father died when they were very young from suicide. Iím amazed with Jesse every time I talk to him. He is smart, funny and leads a normal every day kind of life. In spite of the very difficult relationship he had with my step father. They were constantly fist fighting. The torment Paul put the kid through. When Jay (thatís what we call him) left at seventeen he left for good. He lives in Oregon and has four children and wife that loves him very much.

My other brother James (Coco) is by far my least favorite person in the world. He is 6 years older than me. His father beat my mother on a daily basis when Coco was a baby. She left him soon after Coco turned two. Iím convinced Coco has mental problems as well. Some of the things he does just isnít right. Too many to name. Heís just slow I guess. When my mother was at the bottom of the barrel ill and I was home visiting her for Christmas. He called my mother the C word on Christmas day because he was pissed she failed to tell him I was home. Just little things like that Ė they donít sit right with me. Heís twice divorced and has a son he isnít allowed to see because of alleged sexual abuse. He also left home when he was seventeen. Iím not exactly sure why he left so soon. I really didnít care. I was happy he was out.

Is there a pattern here?

As Iíve said before I was born, I think, as my motherís protector. No matter what she had or hadnít done to or for me. I was her protector. As young as I can remember I was the one who was in the middle of my mother and step fathers fights. Screaming for them to stop because I was so worried that my mother would have a breakdown. Eventually, she would. For my own selfish reason I prayed this fight wouldnít be the one to knock her over the edge. I didnít want her to go to an institution because I didnít want to be stuck in the same house with ďhimĒ. Alone with my little sister. The mental abuse that man would instill on us is unspeakable. When my mom would finally come home things went back to normal. It came in waves. The good times. But, you couldnít enjoy them for long because you knew that something bad was going to happened just around the corner. My mom became so paranoid and so untrusting that sometimes her controlling behavior was so out of whack. By the time I was seventeen I left.

My sister TonyaÖthe baby. I feel for her. She is Paulís only child. Although, she was babied the most and I hated her for it. I felt sorry for her too. She had his blood in her. She hated him as much as I did. Sometimes I can see the manic coming out of her. The depression sometimes takes a hold of her young but weary bones. But, she snaps out of it fast. She has no time to be depressed. She is the wife a Naval Officer and the mother of two girls. One of which is Autistic. She is the bravest person I know and nerves of steel. She has endured the most with my family. For she stayed the longest. She stayed well into her twenties.

You see. Sheri left because she saw that she was becoming my mother. She endure the most abuse, mentally. She left only to find a husband that abused her. In a sick way thatís all she knows.

Jesse left because it was do or die with him. Be killed or to kill. Maybe not literally but definitely mentally.

Coco left because he was starving for love- I believe he found his first and only love and went for it.

I left because I was suffocated by fear. Both my mothers and mine.

Why Tonya didnít leave is beyond my comprehension.

Posted by Tiffani at October 26, 2004 11:17 AM | TrackBack

Hugs to all, Tiffani.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at October 31, 2004 02:47 AM

Yes, definitely a load of hugs for y'all.

You've got at least one family member who's totally sane though - your blogdaddy.

Okay, relatively sane.

Functionally sane?

Posted by: Jim at November 5, 2004 12:30 PM

doikrb ciiao.

Posted by: Botolph at December 21, 2004 05:29 PM

xmaau xiea.

Posted by: Catherine at December 29, 2004 05:02 PM
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