May 28, 2004
May 27, 2004
Thank You
There was a quiz on the radio I heard the other day. The question was: Who is the person you most think about? Seems easy doesn’t it? The obvious answer would be your significant other. Nope. If you can believe it, they said it was an ex. This may not fit for everyone. But, it does for me and it got me thinking.
I knew a man that changed my life. A man that made me see the good in others and the good that lies within me. A man that let me know that there was a life just outside my clinically insane domicile. He showed me that cheating wasn’t normal. That I was beautiful. He showed me a life that I had never known before. As most of you know that I grew up in a horrid childhood. I saw things that could scar a person for life. But, see, it didn’t scar me because of him. He was my release, my savior at the time.
We met when I was 13 and very vulnerable. My existence was meaningless. Fighting to stay alive and to survive 4 other brothers and sisters. With barely any food to eat and practically living on top of each other. When I met RM it was almost as if there was a light cascading over his head. My angel. RM was 18 just graduating high school. Me a freshman. It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact he wasn’t all that attractive. But, once I got to know him and got a taste of what the real world was. I never looked back. We had the same dreams. We both wanted be someone with importance. He was going to be in the medical field and I was going to be his wife someday. He loved ME. Only.me and I never had that unconditional kind of love before. Even my own father tossed me aside. I was an inconvenience to him. My mother had her own issues and my step father was too busy whoring around to care.
RM brought me into his functional and lovely family. They accepted me as their own. I had family dinners with them. His father even taught me how to drive. To this day when I start my car I think of him. RM taught me that school mattered. That I had it in me to get good grades. Before I never cared. He gave me the courage I never knew I had.
He was my first. As awkward as it was. As young as I was. I never regretted it. I have pride knowing we stayed together for almost 4 years. Four years of him building my self confidence. Four years of unconditional love.
One day when I was 14 years old something happened to the both of us that changed both of our lives forever. We became pregnant. This was the beginning of the end for us, I knew. I naturally hid it from everyone. We shared that special bond of grief, being scared out of our minds. If my mother ever found out I honestly think she would have killed me or arrested him. That was never an option. Never. Everyday was so nerve wracking for me. Everyday I cried and everyday I wanted to die. In the end RM and I fought constantly. His views had changed and I held this ungodly bitterness towards him. We stayed together for a short while. But, there were too many things that got in the way.
I was a senior in high school and he was in his Jr. year in college. He was having problems with his grades and wanted to do nothing more than study. It was my final year of school and I wanted to spread my wings and fly. I wanted to be a teenager. I wanted to play. I got too confident and left him behind. That little thing that was always in the back of my mind played heavy on my heart and he was an everyday reminder of it. I needed to get away. Far away.
It’s been 17 years since I’ve last seen him and Tuesday would have been our anniversary. It seems you never forget your first love. It’s weird because I do think of him often. I think about how I never said Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for giving me the confidence I needed and thank you loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for you.
~T
May 26, 2004
Club Paradise
I'm in the middle in the back.
Well, I'm back from paradise and pretty much hating my life right about now. I think I'm in a bit of culture shock being back here.
Mexico was everything I imagined it to be or at least the resort was. From lush green lawns, tall palm trees, a pool you would die for (more on that in a bit), the ocean so clear you can see you feet waist deep. Teeky huts sprinkled along the pavement by the pool and ahhh a swim up bar. My home away from home. I spent quite a bit of time there. How can I not? That would be a mortal sin right?
The pool was the absolute coolest thing I have ever witnessed. There were a total of four of them. Side by side to each other. I'll try and put into words but I probably won't do it justice.
The first pool was just a plain ol' pool but it had a water fall at the end of it. The second was by far the best-it had the swim up bar...God I miss that. Sorry...focus Tiffani. Anyway, this pool had a total of 4 waterfalls coming out of the rocks it was just so damn pretty. The third pool was a wave pool - I didn't spend anytime in that one. I mean why go in that when you have real waves 100 feet away? That just didn't make any sense to me. And last but not least the final pool wasn't actually a pool but, a lazy river ride. We made it a ritual to go on that at least once a day. It was surrounded by beautiful plants, birds and statues.
My days consisted mostly of waking up around 9 headin to the pool, swim up bar, lay out, swim up bar, beach (great waves), swim up bar and ending it with the lazy river.
We ventured to a couple of cities in Mexico. Playa del Carmin - very cool shops and bars and we went to Cancun one night. Very fun there - but I wouldn't want to spend the week.
I had a couple of drunken nights. Tokillya was the drink of choice. The second night there we found a huge cockroach in the pool bathroom and I flipped my lid, ran out, slid on water fell on my knees and bloodied myself good. That same night we all went skinny dipping in the ocean. No pics though. Actually we do have pictures but only the guys.
I thought of Jim too because they have peacocks roaming around freely. In fact one day when I went to my balcony I saw them sun bathing there. I was so pissed I didn't have my camera. Murphys law.
The only bitch I have...well actually I have two but one couldn't be helped. The first one is buffet food. God I can't stand it. I know I know that’s what's to be expected of when you go to an all inclusive. But there is something about the smells I can't take. All of these different aromas mixing together when they have NO business being together. Like bakery, Cajun and Mexican food all in one big fat swirl right up my nose. Fuck! I hate that. Don't get me wrong the first few days were fine. But that last day I barfed. I just could take it anymore. My other bitch was the bug bites. I look like I just finished the Survivor series. I have all these tiny bites on my legs and arms. You don't even notice them until I brush up against something and that’s it...I start itching like I haven't washed myself in a week.
All in all it was the best damn trip I have EVER been on. I highly recommend going to Riviera Maya Iberostar resort.
~T
P.S. Pictures soon - I promise!