June 30, 2004

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

I'm going through a phase in my life where I am second guessing the choices that I have made in the past. I doubt the feelings that I have and I'm fighting with the feelings that are so desperate to come out.

I'm not the same person I was 16 years ago. I am a woman now. A woman with different needs. A women with different desires. A woman who wants. My hobbies and interests have changed. I no longer am the person who on Friday and Saturday night couldn't wait to sit at a bar. I now want to sit in a movie theater. Go to nice dinners. I want to be spontaneous. I want so badly to be me. A new and alive me. A refreshed me. A happy me. I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I have been with the same man for 16 years. Sixteen Years. Almost as long as I had been with my parents. Almost half of my life. As much as I love this man - I'm lonesome. We never had that knock your sock off kind of love. It was more of a teenager infatuation. Two people who have grown up together. We aren't on the same level anymore. We haven't been for a long while. We are not happy around each other anymore. Last year almost to the exact day Ė I asked him for some time. I asked him to leave the house for a little while. I explained to him that I am so desperately unhappy. I need to figure out what it is I want. He left tearful, upset, hurt and broken hearted. I thought a lot about our future together and our past. How it would feel if werenít together anymore. I had a flood of mixed emotions. Sadness, Heartache, Confusion & Relief. And Hate. I hated myself for doing this to him and my kids. I felt selfish to top it off. How selfish of me to deprive my children of their father. He came by everyday to see the kids which made it harder on me. After a month the whole thing was pointless. He spent more time at home than where he was staying. Out of guilt. He moved back in. Things were good for awhile. We tried new things. He helped me around the house. We didnít fight and it was almost as if we were dating again. When summer ended and my kids went back to school our everyday regimen started to take over. Homework had to be done, dinner had to be made & kids needed to be watched. Like before, he went downstairs to watch TV. and I was upstairs doing what every mother does. Taking care of the ďFamilyĒ. OnlyÖ whoís taking care of me?

One year has come and gone and life is what it always was. I donít know if itís in the summer air or if my heart is just deeply unhappy. But those achy feelings are back. I keep thinking is this what marriage is all about? Loneliness. Constant wonder of whatís out there that Iím not apart of. I know he loves me. But, is that enough? When you have nothing in common. When you speak to each other only an hour or two a day. When you do speak you arenít on the same level, is love enough?

Honestly I donít see myself growing old with him.

I feel as though Iím wasting away.

Posted by Tiffani at 10:43 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

June 24, 2004

Man...I feel like a woman

Holy Sheep Shit Batman! Just when my self esteem was the lowest of all lows. I am continually having bad hair days, Fat days, I'm breaking out like a fifteen year old.

Some cute older man (I have the older man Syndrom) that has a office next to my bank started hitting on me. I mean really hitting on me.

He said I was smokin' - haha - Never ever in my whole life have I ever been hit on. Except for bars. To me they don't count. Drunk, horny, frat boys are not my cup of tea.

Posted by Tiffani at 03:09 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

June 18, 2004

Wildflowers, Pine & Velvet

Sitting on a red velvet couch waiting for this handsome man to pick her up. So antsy she could hardly stand it. Her long blond hair has been styled just so. She has her best dress on and her eyes are wide with excitement. Her heart is beating so fast her head is spinning. She sees his pick up truck speed up the driveway and she jets to the screen door to make sure it was him. He's here!

Every time she sees him her stomach feels like there are butterflies in there fighting vainly to get out. Each time she lays her blue eyes on him is like the very first time. She loves this man with every ounce of her being. He looks just like Robert Redford. Sandy blond hair. Deep blue eyes. Round full lips.

He's wearing wranlger jeans, cowboy boots and shirt that has those silver buttons in the front. He smells like a mix of pine, smoke and mint. God she loves that smell. This meeting is a bitter sweet one. It will be their last. He's moving to Washington and he won't return. She is to stay the weekend and she canít wait for it to begin. They go to his house to grab a bite to eat and after, they go for one of their infamous walks. They talk about the weekly events that has happened. What they want for the future. On each side of them are fields of wildflowers. Blue, purple and yellow. She can smell the pine she smelled earlier only stronger now and that single smell is embedded in her memory forever. They continue to talk about what the future means and promises are made to see each other again. They hold hands and walk back to his place. She can't stop touching him. She wants to hold his hands forever. But, she knows that it has to end. And will soon.

After, a blissful weekend. He drops her off at her house. With lots of sorrow and a broken heart she kisses him goodbye and runs to her door. She fights looking back at him, risking running back to him.

One week turns into another. Weeks turn into months and months turn into years without hearing from him. She is so hurt that she could hardly take it. She looks at every face on the corners of the streets just in case. Maybe he returned and he couldn't find her because she had moved. Maybe he was searching for her just as she had been him. That's all the hope she had left.

Ten years has gone by. Ten years of heartache. Ten years of loneliness. No one has ever filled that place he left. The void in her heart is unbearable

Finally in the summer of 85 she gets the nerve to call information and ask for his last name. She new it was an unusual one and that not many people had it. To her dismay the operator gives her a number. She had heard the name before and understood it to be his brother. With a slight tremble in her finger she dials the phone and has a pleasant talk with him.
She had found out that HE had gotten married and is now going through a divorce. That he still lived in Washington. That he had missed her tremendously. She called him up and he immediately flew out to see her. When he arrived at her house. It was as if he had never left. She flew into his arms and kissed him ever slightly on his cheek. He was here. She was looking into those blue eyes once again. They were tired and they had aged but they were HIS eyes and all she could think of is how much she loved him. They questions will come later. For now she will revel in his smell. His smile and his love.

This was her man. This was her special someone. This was her dad.

Yes. This is about my dad. He originally left when I was 5 and I was devestated.

The walks I can remember so vividly. The smell. The clothes he was wearing that day. I remember everything.

The call was when I was fifteen. You can say when he came back I was a little infatuated with him. I never had a dad and I loved the fact that I was his only child. But, the fact of the matter is he left once more and another five years rolled by with out talking to him. I never said he was a good dad at the time.

I don't remembr how we got to talking again this last time. But, we've both had alot of growing up to do and it came in due time. We have an incredible relationship now. He's is my best friend. He is my idol. We have gone through raising children together. (he has a 12 year old daughter & You know I have an 11 year old daughter) When we talk to each other hours pass by and we don't even realize it. He is coming to see me soon and I can not wait. It's been way too long.

So to my best friend. To my Idol and my main man.

Happy Fathers Day.

And to all you dads out there. Happy Fathers Day.

I love you dad.

Posted by Tiffani at 03:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 14, 2004

I know that it's been awhile and no... I'm not going anywhere. I've been so damn busy. I hate that.

This is what I've been doing for the last week.

1. Went to Joey's Kindergarden Graduation.
2. Tore out Bushes in my front yard (approx 10)
3. Redesigned the beds
4. Planted $1000 worth of plants
5. Mulched 5 yards of mulch in the beds
6. Hired a babysitter for the kids in the summer (daycare was going to charge $550 every two weeks)
7. Trying to clear up problems with me being a Godmother to my husbands cousins son. (I wasn't baptised and I need a baptismal certificate) (even though the priest from our church gave me a certificate to give to the other priest that I was going to convert as soon as I can) Long story.
8. Bought a new SUV. 2004 Dodge Durango w/Hemi (sp?) Beautiful car...I must say.
9. I've had 3 meetings in the last week for work.

You would think that the weekend I would get some rest ha. Just when I think I am. I have to babysit my 1 year old neice.

Posted by Tiffani at 09:19 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 02, 2004

Good humor

Bumper Stickers

Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!!

1. Welcome to America...now speak English

Thanks to my brother who forwarded this on to me.

Posted by Tiffani at 11:50 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Disorderly Conduct

I had a conversation with Bree last night. Not a fun thing to do..describing the different charges this man may face. How each one works. What the consequences are from each. With a lot of tears and no answer from her. I have made the decision to accept his plea for a lesser charge.

Disorderly Conduct.

There are three factors in which I have made my decision.

1. If this ever happens again - God forbid. I don't want her to be afraid to tell me. I want her to confide in me and I don't want to lose that trust. Don't get me wrong if something worse were to happen I'd prosecute to the fullest degree. But this is different to me.

2. I don't want her testify on the stand. This is way too traumatic for her. She is a quiet child. She is a gentle flower. I don't want to expose her to something that is unnecessary.

3. He will be punished - no matter what.

I have mixed feeling but, my decision is fully based on my daughter and her feelings. She is scared out of her mind of the thought going on the stand. She immediately started crying. Saying I just forgot about everything and now here it is again. She just wants it to be over as do I.

So with a heavy heart and confused mind, I called the detective and told him Iíd accept his plea. I still donít know what the other family is going to do. This just may go to court if we donít agree. But, at least I know that I have done everything in my power to protect her.

He will still get a sentence, I was reassured. What? I donít know.

I know he was fired. Thatís good.

The detective said I can send in a letter or go to the courts myself and request punishment. I know he needs counseling thatís for sure.

Just one step at a time guess.

Posted by Tiffani at 11:13 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

June 01, 2004

Sexual Imposition or No?

A couple of months ago my daughter Bree had her pictures taken at school. We chose a pretty setting of trees and her sitting on a brick wall. Ahh what a lovely picture this was going to be.....

When I arrived at her school for a parent teacher conference, that was coincidentally scheduled for the same day as the pictures. I was told that my daughter was touched inappropriately. A thousand things had raced in my head. What do you mean? How? When? Where?

It turns out that the guy that was positioning her legs reached behind her and grabbed her butt. I am ashamed to say that even though this was tragic for my daughter I was relieved that it was nothing more. But, that relief quickly turned to anger. The teacher told me that the principle called the child protection services. It's a formal matter now.

A month ago my daughter had to go back to the police station to give a formal statement (We both wrote a formal complaint at the school a week after the incident) and she had to pick him out of a line up. She did a very good job describing everything she had told me, the teacher and the very first police man on the scene that week. However, she did not pick him out. But, the detective told me that if the other little boy this happened to does then everything will go fine. (did I mention he did it to two people?) And he did pick him out.

The detective called me two weeks later to tell me that the prosecutor took the case. Again, I heard nothing for another two weeks. It seems the picture taker/butt grabber fired his lawyer and it delayed the process longer.

Now, I just got off the with the detective and this is where we are:

I have three choices and two of them have a catch.

The first one: Is what he is being prosecuted for now: Gross sexual imposition. Felony. Trial

The detective said he wants to plea bargain (which to me means he saying heís guilty) to:

Third degree Sexual imposition. Misdemeanor. Trial or

Disorderly Conduct: 1 degree less than a misdemeanor. No Trial.

These are major things to think about. If we agree to the above first two then my daughter does have to testify on the stand in front of the court. (I asked) if we agree to the last charge she doesnít. But, then again, heís pretty much getting away with touching little kids where they shouldnít be touched.

All of my daughters life Iíve taught her that no one ever is allowed to touch you there. Ever. It is never right. She did the right thing telling her teacher. Do I punish her by having it go to court and having her testify? Because that is what she will feel .

Do I agree to the lesser charge because all he did was grab her butt? And because he has no criminal record not even a traffic ticket.

I need to get the detective an answer by tomorrow morning. So what do I do?

Oh and by the way if the other family this involves agrees to something totally different than we do. It goes to court no matter what for the judge to decide.

He will be arrested as soon as I put my phone call in tomorrow. I should feel good about that, right?

Then why donít I?


Sorry that this is poorly written - I'm in a huge hurry and need to get things finished here at work. But, I did want some input.

Posted by Tiffani at 03:51 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack