I'm going through a phase in my life where I am second guessing the choices that I have made in the past. I doubt the feelings that I have and I'm fighting with the feelings that are so desperate to come out.
I'm not the same person I was 16 years ago. I am a woman now. A woman with different needs. A women with different desires. A woman who wants. My hobbies and interests have changed. I no longer am the person who on Friday and Saturday night couldn't wait to sit at a bar. I now want to sit in a movie theater. Go to nice dinners. I want to be spontaneous. I want so badly to be me. A new and alive me. A refreshed me. A happy me. I don't want to be lonely anymore.
I have been with the same man for 16 years. Sixteen Years. Almost as long as I had been with my parents. Almost half of my life. As much as I love this man - I'm lonesome. We never had that knock your sock off kind of love. It was more of a teenager infatuation. Two people who have grown up together. We aren't on the same level anymore. We haven't been for a long while. We are not happy around each other anymore. Last year almost to the exact day – I asked him for some time. I asked him to leave the house for a little while. I explained to him that I am so desperately unhappy. I need to figure out what it is I want. He left tearful, upset, hurt and broken hearted. I thought a lot about our future together and our past. How it would feel if weren’t together anymore. I had a flood of mixed emotions. Sadness, Heartache, Confusion & Relief. And Hate. I hated myself for doing this to him and my kids. I felt selfish to top it off. How selfish of me to deprive my children of their father. He came by everyday to see the kids which made it harder on me. After a month the whole thing was pointless. He spent more time at home than where he was staying. Out of guilt. He moved back in. Things were good for awhile. We tried new things. He helped me around the house. We didn’t fight and it was almost as if we were dating again. When summer ended and my kids went back to school our everyday regimen started to take over. Homework had to be done, dinner had to be made & kids needed to be watched. Like before, he went downstairs to watch TV. and I was upstairs doing what every mother does. Taking care of the “Family”. Only… who’s taking care of me?
One year has come and gone and life is what it always was. I don’t know if it’s in the summer air or if my heart is just deeply unhappy. But those achy feelings are back. I keep thinking is this what marriage is all about? Loneliness. Constant wonder of what’s out there that I’m not apart of. I know he loves me. But, is that enough? When you have nothing in common. When you speak to each other only an hour or two a day. When you do speak you aren’t on the same level, is love enough?
Honestly I don’t see myself growing old with him.
I feel as though I’m wasting away.
Wow. I wish I had some excellent advice to give you but you're in a place I've never been. I've never had a relationship last that long. Never had a situation where I grew apart from somebody I was close to.
I guess all I can really say is that communication is the key to keeping your relationship healthy and that it has to come from both sides. If y'all aren't talking, figure out why. Get some help figuring out why if necessary. Don't bemoan that you don't have things in common, create things to share. After 16 years you and he have a whole lot of history together. Use that.
Whatever happens, I hope that you are happy.
Posted by: Jim at June 30, 2004 12:18 PMI'm gonna ditto Jim on this. The two of you really need to talk - perhaps just let him read this post.
Professional help can be very beneficial - sometimes you need a mediator...
Holy cow, Tiffani darlin'-I had no idea. I feel for you greatly, since I have most definitely been there. I was there with my X Partner Unit-we had a good friendship, but man I wasn't in love with him, he wasn't the one I WANTED to grow old with but he was someone that I COULD'VE done so with. It was a routine, a kindness, a few bonds holding us together. But I was unhappy inside, and it was hard.
At the same time, when we split I felt (and still do feel) very bad about hurting him. Honest. But I look back now and think that I couldn't have done it.
Sweetie, if you need to vent, email me. Honest.
Posted by: Helen at July 2, 2004 05:43 AMThat is what happens to most people who make it past 10 years. You not alone, not even in a minority, and your husband probably feels the same way. All this movie and book ideas about romance and love are wrong, no one ever has that kind or life. Stick it out, don't do anything stupid, the grass is not greener on the other side. I felt the same way you do and ended a 28 year marriage, I was stupid and blind to what was really important.
Posted by: James Old Guy at July 2, 2004 12:38 PMI am sticking it out. For my kids. Us...well I think we're just coping at the moment. Live each day one by one. No future. For me everyday is a struggle nontheless.
We've been to counseling. Well...actually I've been to counseling. She didn't want to see him. I guess I was more work for her than she thought. I stopped seeing her when it was pointles to me. The only thing she wanted to talk about was my past with my family. Mom...dad etc. However fucked up they may be or have been it had absolutely nothing to do with me and him. It was more draining than needed to be. We should probably go see another one. Both of us. But, It's NOT Going to happen. Ever.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 2, 2004 12:53 PM