October 26, 2004

Party of Five

No word from my mother. I am officially written off. So sad really. This is the first time weíve had a fight in 17 years. I find that astonishing Öconsidering.

Although, Iím comforted by the thought that I didnít do anything wrong and Iíll chalk it up to the lack of lithium.

That fight has had me thinking a lot lately of my family. My brothers and sisters and of course my mother and step father. What we have endured in our childhood. It had me thinking of how we function today. In our separate lives. Miles and Miles away from each other. It wasnít all heartache and pain. Mostly it was the feeling of insecurity and the feeling of being lost in ones self. How do you become a healthy person of body and mind when you donít have a healthy role model to look up to? To guide you.

As I look into each of my siblingís life Ė I can see the different roads that were chosen for us. I donít look at it as roads that we chose. They were chosen for us. In our mind we had to get out fast. As soon as we could.

My sister Sheri is the oldest of the five. Ten years my senior and pretty much was my care taker for as long as I could remember. She was the one who took the brunt of it all. The first child. Iíve heard stories of her childhood and can understand why she is the way she is today. She has turned into my mother. She was molded from the same shape as my mom. She left home at the age of seventeen to join the Army. Today Sheri lives in a motel somewhere in California from what Iíve heard. I havenít seen her or her 5 small children in about 5 years. No one knows where she is.

My brother Jesse is the second oldest and is Sheriís full blooded brother. Their father died when they were very young from suicide. Iím amazed with Jesse every time I talk to him. He is smart, funny and leads a normal every day kind of life. In spite of the very difficult relationship he had with my step father. They were constantly fist fighting. The torment Paul put the kid through. When Jay (thatís what we call him) left at seventeen he left for good. He lives in Oregon and has four children and wife that loves him very much.

My other brother James (Coco) is by far my least favorite person in the world. He is 6 years older than me. His father beat my mother on a daily basis when Coco was a baby. She left him soon after Coco turned two. Iím convinced Coco has mental problems as well. Some of the things he does just isnít right. Too many to name. Heís just slow I guess. When my mother was at the bottom of the barrel ill and I was home visiting her for Christmas. He called my mother the C word on Christmas day because he was pissed she failed to tell him I was home. Just little things like that Ė they donít sit right with me. Heís twice divorced and has a son he isnít allowed to see because of alleged sexual abuse. He also left home when he was seventeen. Iím not exactly sure why he left so soon. I really didnít care. I was happy he was out.

Is there a pattern here?

As Iíve said before I was born, I think, as my motherís protector. No matter what she had or hadnít done to or for me. I was her protector. As young as I can remember I was the one who was in the middle of my mother and step fathers fights. Screaming for them to stop because I was so worried that my mother would have a breakdown. Eventually, she would. For my own selfish reason I prayed this fight wouldnít be the one to knock her over the edge. I didnít want her to go to an institution because I didnít want to be stuck in the same house with ďhimĒ. Alone with my little sister. The mental abuse that man would instill on us is unspeakable. When my mom would finally come home things went back to normal. It came in waves. The good times. But, you couldnít enjoy them for long because you knew that something bad was going to happened just around the corner. My mom became so paranoid and so untrusting that sometimes her controlling behavior was so out of whack. By the time I was seventeen I left.

My sister TonyaÖthe baby. I feel for her. She is Paulís only child. Although, she was babied the most and I hated her for it. I felt sorry for her too. She had his blood in her. She hated him as much as I did. Sometimes I can see the manic coming out of her. The depression sometimes takes a hold of her young but weary bones. But, she snaps out of it fast. She has no time to be depressed. She is the wife a Naval Officer and the mother of two girls. One of which is Autistic. She is the bravest person I know and nerves of steel. She has endured the most with my family. For she stayed the longest. She stayed well into her twenties.

You see. Sheri left because she saw that she was becoming my mother. She endure the most abuse, mentally. She left only to find a husband that abused her. In a sick way thatís all she knows.

Jesse left because it was do or die with him. Be killed or to kill. Maybe not literally but definitely mentally.

Coco left because he was starving for love- I believe he found his first and only love and went for it.

I left because I was suffocated by fear. Both my mothers and mine.

Why Tonya didnít leave is beyond my comprehension.

Posted by Tiffani at 11:17 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

October 14, 2004

Meet my mom - she's been sick

The letter below is a result of a fight my mother and I had a week ago today. I called her to give her my flight numbers for when my family and I will be traveling home for Thanksgiving.

To give you a run down. While I was talking to her I called my step father Paul (his name) instead of dad. My mom got very mad. She thinks because she has forgiven him for all of his wrong doings (30 years worth) that we should as well. Because of the fact that she has taken him back numerous times Ė franklyÖ she is embarrassed. So, she blames everyone else. She blames her sisters Connie and Jeri and even my grandfather of not treating him well. So, in return she has distanced herself from her family members. And in her mind I'm to do so as well. I am extremely close to those people. And in fact we are all going to Disneyland for two days with them. When she found that out her mind was made up. I was one of them. To add insult to injury~I found out my real father will be spending time in San Diego as well and we are planning on seeing each other for at least for a day.

The whole conversation turned into a jealous rage. I was left baffled, hurt, annoyed and very, very angry at this woman. I am so sick of all the crap she has dealt me as I sat idly by. I was her punching bag for so long. After she hung up on me, twice. My wall became my punching bag. To ease the hurt I wrote this letter.


Three things to make very clear ~

1. My mother is a very mentally ill person.
2. I have never been so hurt in my entire life as much as I had been on Thursday.
3. I will never ever call Paul (the cheater aka stepfather) dad. Ever.

Mother~

I don't know what's going with you. What were you doing before I called? What were thinking? How were you feeling? Where you upset about something? Is life so unbearable for you? I don't get it. All of my life I've been your protector. Forever I've been the one person who you could talk to. I've been there to hold you when Paul left you. I held your hand when he cheated. Spent late nights talking to you. I've always worried about you. I cared for you when you were sick. I smoothed your hair when you were tired. What goes on in your mind? What makes you turn so ice cold? Is your heart so engorged with Hatred?? Jealousy? Resentment? that you will do what ever it takes to get back at the ghosts that haunts you? Will you sacrifice what ever relationships you have at that time for the sake of your own selfishness. I did no wrong mother. Do you understand? I did nothing wrong.

For years I kept quiet. I never said anything to hurt you. All this time I never brought up the past. I never wanted to. I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I was the one that would yell and scream at the person who disrespected you. I gave you all I could and more. But it's time now mom to tell you - no matter how sick you are...how much your ailing, that you can't treat people like disposable trash. There are other people that have feelings and thoughts. That have a heart that can break. Do you know how much ache a person feels when a mother treats them like they don't matter? That youíre the only person you love. How do you think that feels? Did grandma ever do it too you? Did it hurt you? Then why would you do the same to the people your supposed to love the most. Love more than yourself. More than your husband. More than anything in this world. Being a mother has taught me that I would sacrifice everything I have on this earth so that my children are happy and healthy.

If the worst thing I've ever done to you is call Paul Paul than so be it. I can live with that. How you can sit there and stand up for that man is beyond me. What he's done to you is incomprehensible. He's lucky I even speak to him. Yeah he raised me. I respect him for that. I really do. That is the reason and only reason he is graced with my presence. Do you or he even realize how fucked this family is? How do you think it got that way? Our young impressionable minds grew up with dysfunction. You say why does everyone bring up the past. I can honestly say I never have until today. But, unlike you who likes to see the world with their eyes closed we can not. We live it everyday. Do you know that I think about when you locked yourself in your room for days at a time and when you tried to kill yourself it haunts me on a daily basis. Do you realize that your lucky you have children that can get out of bed and function in a normal world. I know you were sick mom. That's the problem your always sick - but instead of owning up to it, you deny that it ever happened.

It took me 34 long hard years to establish a relationship with my dad. Not you. Not Paul. Not Leigh. No one will ever take that away from me. He has earn my respect. He has earn the fact I call my dad Dad. How you can bring that part of my life down to your level of misery? I'm proud I have Brian as my father. He messed up yes. Just like you. Just like Paul. But, I forgave him. And many many times I forgave Paul. So you think I should call Paul dad because he raised me. I don't thinks so.

I'll miss you for Thanksgiving. It's too bad that I won't see you. The kids were really looking forward to it. But I will not feel guilty for having a relationship with Connie, Jeri, Grandpa and the kids. I love them and they love me. If you have issues with them it's not my fault. It's yours. It's your own feeling of worthiness or lack there of. Contrary to what you believe no one is out to get you. That's not how the world works. Your the black sheep because you...no one else makes you feel that way.

Tiff

I never sent this letter. I can't bring myself to do it. The protector in me - tells me it's wrong. I worry this may driver her over the edge. I worry that suicide thought still linger in her brain. I worry over her so much. Even at her worst I worry. I don't think I will send this. But, it made me feel good to write it.

~T

Posted by Tiffani at 10:10 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 13, 2004

I am here people I have not died! I have alot to write about. Just no time.

Topics that will come:

My mother is insane and has disowned me.

I'm leaving for Cali in approx 37 days.

Hiring or firing? Whatever shall I do?

My father and I will be reunited for the first time in 8 years.

Sex and lack there of.

So, people it's not the material it's just time.

Posted by Tiffani at 09:24 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack