Looking back at one of my entries - I started thinking about the loneliness that holds itself with in me. Why it has etched it's way into the very depths of my soul. Why do I feel alone in a house full of people? Is it not enough that I have my family?
My heart aches for true kindness, I guess. Searching for someone to give me unconditional love. I want to have someone in my life that doesn't have an ulterior motive. Who doesn’t want something from me.
James seems to think that I’m going through a midlife crisis. I just may be.
I do wonder what else is out there. I know that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I realize that. But, what if there was someone who loves me for me. Not loves me for the continuous chores I do. Somewhere along the way I lost me.
At home – I’m a completely different person than I am at work or out and about. At home my personality shuts down. I have no feelings when I get there. Completely numb. Completely empty.
Sometimes I just want to sit and cry. Where is the Tiffani that used to be so in control. Where did the Tiffani go that was so happy that when she would burst into a room everyones face would light up.
Where am I?
Where did I go?
Posted by Tiffani at July 8, 2004 03:24 PM | TrackBackWe just posted about the same thing today, really.
I used to be that way, too. I had a work Helen and a Home Helen. It was difficult managing it that way, a real effort. I was so split in half all the time it made me miserable, and in the end it took a great toll on me.
Have you considered talking to someone about all this? I'm not one of those bang-the-drum-love-therapy type people, but in my case, it helped just having someone to unload it to. Choose a friend, a psychologist, a family member, a blogger (ahem, I nominate myself for a venting, if you need it:)). Just to let it out...
Posted by: Helen at July 9, 2004 05:46 AMMy daughter is the same age as you are. She has only been married a few years and has one child. I am telling you this because I wonder what I would tell her if she had the feelings and emotions as you. I have had those same feelings, I think everyone does at some time in their life. We question who we are and why we are here and why our life is not exactly the fairytale we wanted it to be. I think it comes as a shock to people when they realize that they they are not immortal. The passing of time is not gentle to anyone, it is not something we can control, we can't undo yesterday, no matter how much we want to. We also can not predict tommorrow with 100% acccuracy. Everyone want to be loved or apprecitated for who they are and not what they do or represent. We fail to realize that what we are and what we represent by our actions is what makes people lover or hate us. You want unconditional love, then you have to give unconditional love. We all have ulterior motivies, even if we don't realize it. We also have limits on our love, that is the one thing people will not discuss or talk about, but we do. So in saying that, there is no such thing as unconditional love, all love is conditional, a standard has to be met or not broken. I know this is not much of an answer and for somethings there are no answers. The good thing about being 33 or 34 is that is a great age and it is young. To be bold I would tell my daughter that there is such a thing as depression and it is treatable, there is nothing wrong with it. Just something to think about.
Posted by: James Old Guy at July 9, 2004 01:08 PMThis is tough. I mean there's no way that I can just say "Suck it up, Tiff" when you're obviously not happy. On the other hand you love your husband so advising you to separate is obviously not the right answer either.
Generally what you need to do is address the root of the problem. From what you've shared before I think that communication between you two might be the problem. I can't have any idea if that's a mutual thing or if he just doesn't listen or whathaveyou. Maybe a sit-down talk with a counselor or similar pro could help? I mean both of you together?
Posted by: Jim at July 9, 2004 01:22 PMYou know, I'm in school for couple counsiling...
Posted by: pylorns at July 9, 2004 04:33 PM..good luck.. no matter what direction you decide to go in.. good luck, sister... I wish you all the best..
Posted by: Eric at July 9, 2004 06:58 PMI've felt that way before -- it sounds very familiar. You're not alone.
For me, the answer ended up being counseling and anti-depressants. I do feel a lot better about who I am now. Hang in there.
Posted by: 2flower at July 13, 2004 10:26 AMI'm looking into getting a home mortgage loan in california and needed to find a website to apply for a mortgage loan. I found this site, home mortgage refinance loans california and they seem okay. Anyone tried them?
Posted by: home loans california at November 2, 2004 03:58 AMI'm looking into getting a home mortgage loan in california and needed to find a website to apply for a mortgage loan. I found this site, home mortgage refinance loans california and they seem okay. Anyone tried them?
Posted by: mortgage loans california at November 2, 2004 05:00 AMI'm looking into getting a home mortgage loan in california and needed to find a website to apply for a mortgage loan. I found this site, home mortgage refinance loans california and they seem okay. Anyone tried them?
Posted by: refinance loans california at November 2, 2004 05:49 AMI'm looking into getting a home mortgage loan in california and needed to find a website to apply for a mortgage loan. I found this site, home mortgage refinance loans california and they seem okay. Anyone tried them?
Posted by: home mortgage loans california at November 2, 2004 08:13 AMhttp://youngshemales.tranny-sex-clips.com/shemale-mpeg-free/ searchingsoftstraining
Posted by: check at May 25, 2005 06:31 AM